Chapter 5: First Meeting

From New Year’s Eve through the second day of the first month, Kuki stayed home without fail. That had never happened before.

Of course, it was not just the two of them spending the holiday alone. On the night of the 31st, their daughter Chika came with her husband to see the old couple through New Year’s Eve, and they saw in the holiday with laughter and chatter, making it a lively start to the year.

But as soon as their daughter and son-in-law left, the house fell quiet.

As the years pass, the conversations between husband and wife grow fewer and fewer. What does that kind of silence mean?

Kuki was in no mood to start talking to his wife, and she, of course, understood him well enough not to show him any special affection either.

On the afternoon of the third, the two of them went to visit the shrine together. It was the customary beginning-of-the-year visit, nothing more.

The shrine was in a residential district about ten minutes from their home, and the people who came to pray there were all neighbors from the area.

Kuki and his wife stood side by side before the altar and each made their own prayers.

First Kuki wished for health and peace through the coming year. After that, he hoped his affair with Rinko would deepen further and continue for a long time.

What was his wife praying for with her hands pressed together beside him? She must have been wishing for good health, success at work, maybe an early grandchild, or some private wish Kuki did not know about.

Then they drew fortunes. His wife got a great blessing; Kuki drew a small blessing.

His wife rarely drew such a lucky slip, and she was all smiles. Kuki did not mind his small blessing at all.

That settled his duty as a husband, and as soon as they got home, Kuki headed out again.

“I’m going to the chairman’s house to pay my respects for the New Year.”

Kuki put on a brand-new suit and told his wife he was going to the chairman’s house, but that was only a cover.

He and Rinko had arranged to meet at six tonight at the Yokohama hotel for their first meeting of the year.

Rinko, who had lost her father late last year, spent New Year’s at her parents’ home.

Her eldest brother had inherited the family business, and her mother was alone, so Rinko went to keep her company.

When Kuki heard that over the phone, he was just about to ask about her husband, but before he could, Rinko told him, “I’m going back by myself.”

From that, Kuki figured her husband had gone to spend the holiday at his own home, and the knowledge that she was not with him put him at ease.

Even so, Rinko would not agree to meet on the first or second day of the year.

She brushed him off with excuses like “I don’t have time” and “I’m terribly busy,” but the real reason was probably that she was still upset over the forced meeting during the wake at the end of last year.

“It was my fault,” Kuki had said again and again in apology before he finally managed to arrange a meeting for the evening of the third, in the lobby of the same hotel they had visited before.

Even so, Kuki still could not relax. Right after New Year’s he called her again to make sure. Restless and distracted, he made his perfunctory New Year’s visit to the chairman and left, then arrived at the Yokohama hotel well ahead of time.

The lobby was full of women dressed in festive finery, bright with the lively atmosphere of the New Year. It was the third day of the year, and some families were already preparing to check out and head home.

People arriving and people leaving mixed together in the crowded lobby, and Kuki sat on a sofa, absentmindedly watching the entrance.

It was almost six. Rinko should be here soon.

What would she be wearing today?

Kuki looked nervously toward the entrance again, and there, beyond the revolving door, a woman in a kimono appeared. Kuki shot to his feet as Rinko stepped out through it.

Today she wore a plain kimono with a bean-paste-colored sash, and a fur stole draped over her arm. As she drew closer, he could see plum blossoms clustered across the front of the kimono from the chest down to the overlapping collar.

Kuki went to meet her and said, “Happy New Year.” Rinko returned the greeting softly.

“That kimono looks beautiful on you.”

Rinko lowered her head a little, shyly, and the bleak expression from the night of the wake was gone from her face.

“Let’s go upstairs and get something to eat.”

Kuki was not very familiar with Yokohama, so he had reserved a table in the hotel restaurant.

Up in the top-floor restaurant, they sat facing each other by the window.

During the New Year holiday, there were plenty of families around, but Kuki did not care in the least who saw them, and Rinko looked equally unconcerned. They were used to it now, or maybe they had simply grown bolder.

After ordering, Kuki and Rinko started on white wine, and Kuki said, “I thought you might not make it.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. I just had a feeling...”

Maybe it was because he still had second thoughts about forcing Rinko into that act the other night. Now that she was here, there was nothing left to worry about.

“Did you spend New Year’s at your parents’ home?”

“Mm. I went to keep my mother company.”

So Rinko and her husband had not been together over the holiday.

“Things have settled down a bit, then.”

“More or less. My mother is still taking it hard.”

Her father had died so suddenly that her mother could not accept it right away.

“Then stay there.”

“Of course I can,” Rinko answered briskly to that delicate question.

First came steamed oysters, their aroma mingling with the rich scent of champagne.

Kuki had hardly eaten anything at the chairman’s house and felt a little hungry now. He ordered a brandy as well.

“We’ve known each other for a year now.”

Kuki had met Rinko in the New Year season the year before; back then, they were only on ordinary terms, meeting now and then for a meal.

Looking back over the past year, the relationship between the two of them had changed in ways he never would have expected. In that first New Year, he had not imagined he would grow this close to Rinko.

“Same year, but completely different ones.”

Some years are unforgettable, others pass without leaving a mark. In that sense, the past year had been the most memorable of Kuki’s life.

“When it gets a little warmer, how about another trip to Atami?”

The first time Kuki and Rinko came together was after a trip to see the plum blossoms in Atami the year before.

He had invited Rinko there on a whim to see the plum trees, and she happened to have wanted to go for some time, so they enjoyed the early spring blossoms to the fullest.

When they got back to Tokyo, after dinner and drinks at a bar, Kuki did not want to send Rinko home, and took her straight to a hotel.

They had already met several times, and with the added effect of the cocktails, Rinko resisted only a little before giving in to him.

Thinking back to the innocent Rinko of that time, Kuki gazed at her face with affection.

“You look wonderful in that kimono.”

Compared with the splendid cherry blossom, the quiet elegance of the plum suited Rinko perfectly.

“I had it made especially for this New Year.”

After the plum-blossom outing, they had declared their feelings for each other, and now, at the start of the year, Rinko showed up wearing a kimono patterned with plum blossoms, stirring a man’s heart all the more.

When the soup was served, Rinko drank it with easy grace. Her poised posture, the way she lifted the spoon, every movement of her hands and body had beauty in it.

Kuki watched, spellbound, and murmured, “That’s what they mean when they say the plum is better than the cherry blossom.”

“How so?” Rinko asked, setting down her spoon.

“Cherry blossoms are certainly beautiful, but they’re too extravagant, too assertive. Compared with them, plum blossoms are refined and gentle, and that makes them lovely.”

“Plum blossoms are a little plain, though.”

“No. Their air is noble, very pure.”

“When people in old times talked about flowers, didn’t they mean plum blossoms?”

“Before the Nara period, yes. By the Heian period, cherry blossoms had been elevated. Plum blossoms are beautiful not only for the flowers themselves, but for the shape of the branches too.”

“Painters used to say, ‘Paint cherry blossoms as blossoms, and plum blossoms as branches.’ Plum blossoms win with the beauty of their dignified, unusual branches.”

That made Kuki think of a waka poem.

“There’s a fine plum poem by Ishida Hoso: ‘A single branch of plum is like a dead man lying on his back.’”

Only after saying it did Kuki realize that Rinko’s father had just died, and he hurried on. “That poem is not trying to depict the dead through plum blossoms. It’s meant to bring out the cold, solemn beauty of the plum. Cherry blossoms tend to give people a frail, overly sentimental feeling, but plum blossoms command respect,...”

“I know what you mean.”

“It’s strange, isn’t it?”

“What is?”

“Nothing. It just came to me all of a sudden.”

For an instant, Kuki’s mind had conjured up Rinko’s disordered, unruly figure.

Should he compare her to plum blossoms, or to cherry blossoms? If it were plum blossoms, then they would be plum blossoms leaping wildly up and down, madly in frenzy.

Those seductive thoughts flashed through his mind, and while cutting into the roasted duck with his knife and fork, Kuki asked, “Did you go to the shrine today?”

“I’m still in mourning, so no. What about you?”

Kuki did not mention that he had gone with his wife and only said, “I went. I drew a small blessing.”

“You drew a small blessing last year too, didn’t you?”

“You have a remarkable memory.”

The previous New Year, Kuki and Rinko had gone to Hie Shrine in Akasaka. It was the tenth of January, after the New Year rush had passed, and after the two of them prayed together and drew fortunes, they felt much closer all at once.

“So this year you’re not going?”

“I think it’s better not to this year either.”

Kuki asked casually, “What about your husband?”

“He’s not going either.”

Hearing Rinko’s tone, Kuki stopped with his knife and fork in hand.

“He’s a son-in-law, so it shouldn’t be a big problem, should it?”

“It’s not because of that. Our man has never been one to do useless things.”

“Useless things?”

“In his eyes, visiting a shrine and drawing fortunes are just pointless little rituals.”

“Well, he is a scientist, so...”

“Maybe,” Rinko said, her tone quite cold. Kuki changed the subject. “How long are you planning to stay in Yokohama?”

“I’m going back tomorrow.”

“That soon?”

Kuki had thought she would stay another two or three days.

“Your husband’s university isn’t on holiday yet, is it?”

Rinko shook her head slightly and raised her voice. “But the cat is waiting for me at home.”

Kuki had not expected Rinko to be going home just for the cat.

“So your husband isn’t there?”

“He went to his parents’ place for New Year’s, and after the second he’s been at home.”

“Just by himself...”

“If he isn’t in his study, he seems completely lost. He’s happiest when he’s buried in piles of books all day.”

“He is a scientist...”

Rinko said nothing more. Kuki took a sip of wine and said, “With your husband there, the cat won’t be left alone, will it?”

“Of course it will. He has never had the slightest interest in living things.”

“He’s not a doctor?”

“That’s exactly why he can’t stand the cat. Last year once, when Sasa couldn’t pee, I even took her to the hospital.” Sasa was the cat’s nickname.

“Do you know what he said? He said going to the hospital was useless, that at best they’d take a halfhearted look and still not cure it, so we should just leave it alone. But I took her in, and she got better. Then he started muttering about how expensive the medical bill was.”

“Cats and dogs don’t have health insurance, so they do seem especially expensive.”

Kuki said it matter-of-factly. Rinko frowned and said, “But the cat was suffering. How cruel is it not to treat her?”

“That’s true. A cat is part of the family too.”

“If I left her with him, he might even send her off for animal testing.”

“That’s a bit much.”

“Anyway, he and I are people from different worlds.”

A waiter came to refill Kuki and Rinko’s wine glasses.

Outside the window was a sea of lights, and Kuki found himself overcome by a strange fear at the thought that under every one of those lights there were people living, with couples tangled up in sex in their own homes.

It was safe to say that among those couples, some were deeply in love and some were already emotionally estranged.

Rinko and her husband were probably one of those emotionally estranged couples.

Looking out over the glittering lights before him, a thought gradually became clear in Kuki’s mind.

Until now, he had never understood why Rinko had grown so close to him. He had assumed she was simply bored with her husband and looking for excitement, straying because she wanted a thrill.

But after hearing what Rinko said, he realized that was not how it was at all.

Rinko’s husband dismissed shrine visits, fortune slips, and the like outright. He was indifferent, aloof, and chilly toward pets like cats and dogs, and never bothered to understand Rinko’s feelings.

On the surface those were trivial little matters, but for the people involved, they were not small at all.

On such issues there is no grand principle to appeal to. They concern sensibility and values, things that are not so easily compromised or communicated.

Rinko’s husband looked stylish, promising, and had become an associate professor at a young age, but in terms of temperament and feeling, he and Rinko did not seem to click very well.

Perhaps it was her dissatisfaction with her husband, that sense of resistance toward him, that drove Rinko to seek something outside and ultimately drew her close to Kuki.

While Kuki was deep in thought, Rinko leaned lightly against the window and looked out too.

Kuki suddenly felt as if his thoughts had been seen through, so he turned away and stopped looking outside. Rinko drew her gaze back as well.

“How strange life is.”

Hearing that, Rinko said, “I’m sorry. I’ve just been boring you with petty little things...”

“Not at all. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.” Kuki was not taking pleasure in her misfortune; rather, he felt relieved by it.

“All right, since it’s New Year’s, let’s not talk about that anymore.” Kuki raised his glass and clinked it against Rinko’s. “Here’s to your luck this year.”

They touched glasses again, and Kuki said in a serious tone, “What kind of year will this be?”

“You mean for us?”

“This year, I want us to be together more, and travel more.” Seeing that she agreed, Kuki added, “I hope we can stay together even longer. What about you?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” Rinko answered, then suddenly asked him back, “If we keep going like this, what will happen?”

“You mean?”

“The two of us...” Faced with such a direct question, Kuki was momentarily at a loss.

If he chose the pretty answer, that would be easy enough. But for the Rinko of now, that kind of vague reply would not do.

A man asks for more frequent, longer meetings, and a woman is willing to keep seeing him, so they exchange vows and sweet words and get drunk on love.

But once they calm down and face reality, one problem after another appears.

Some people may think there is no need to ask such questions while they are intoxicated by love.

Clearly that is the thinking of romantic dreamers. It solves nothing practical, because there is no ready-made answer to begin with, and they refuse to face the question.

A woman in love does not like that sort of evasive attitude, because sex, in its essence, demands a clear yes or no. An ambiguous answer will not convince anyone.

If the two of them kept loving each other this intensely, what would the result be?

As they went out together more and more, as they traveled and dated, the amount of time they spent away from their own homes would keep growing. And then what?

In the end, would the two of them become even more firmly bound together, or would it all end in something too awful to look at?

Kuki truly did not have the courage to face that problem, so he changed the subject. “How about not going home tonight?”

“Stay here for the night.”

Kuki thought that staying one night first and worrying about the question later would not be a bad idea.

After the main course came salad and cheese. In the past, whenever a meal was nearing its end, he would start fretting about what came next, but tonight everything had already been arranged.

Rinko said nothing one way or the other to Kuki’s suggestion, torn by conflicting feelings. Kuki knew that in such a situation, there was no need to press her for a clearer answer. He could make the decision himself.

He stood up and called the front desk to reserve a room.

“I’d like a double room with an ocean view.”

The last time they met at this hotel late the previous year, Rinko went home at night, and Kuki left the hotel soon after as well, so neither of them had been able to see the sea at dawn.

“I’ve booked the room. We’re staying here tonight.”

“I never said I’d stay...”

If he let Rinko slip away, Kuki would be at a complete disadvantage.

“This is our first date of the year.” Kuki quietly took hold of Rinko’s hand. “You’re wearing a kimono today too. I’m glad.”

Rinko remembered what had happened last time and lowered her head shyly.

“Don’t worry. I won’t do the same thing as last time.”

Last time they had been short on time. Tonight, the night was long, and they had time to spare.

“Shall we go to the room now?”

“Can’t I just not stay?”

“I’m not letting you go.”

“So I can’t run away this year either, huh?”

Though Rinko said it to the man, she was also saying it to herself.

After dinner they ordered tea and brandy. Rinko did not want any, but Kuki insisted she have a little.

“It’s not strong. You’ll be fine.”

Rinko could not hold her liquor. She got drunk on very little, the type who was easiest to get drunk, and brandy like this would have its effect on a woman like her.

Since they had decided to stay the night, there was no need to hold back. As long as she could make it from here to the room, the rest would be Kuki’s responsibility.

“That’s Chiba Prefecture over there, isn’t it?”

Rinko pointed out the window, and Kuki finally came back to himself. Across the black sea, far in the distance on the other shore, a band of light shimmered.

“The sun rises from that side, doesn’t it?”

From Yokohama, Chiba lay to the east.

“Did you see the first sunrise of the year?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“Then let’s watch the next one together tomorrow.”

Kuki pictured in his mind the scene of embracing Rinko as they welcomed the sunrise.

“You can see it from bed too.”

“That would bring bad luck.”

To lie there and greet the pure, blazing sunrise was indeed a little irreverent, but it also had a delicious kind of indecency to it.

“Let’s go.”

The itch inside Kuki only grew stronger, and he urged Rinko on. Rinko said, “Wait a moment,” and walked over to the telephone.

He did not know whether she was calling her parents’ home or her place in Tokyo, but in any case she was probably explaining that she would not be coming home tonight.

Before long Rinko came back looking a little pale.

“Do I have to stay?”

“Yes.”

Kuki answered flatly. After thinking for a moment, Rinko said, “Can I go back at five tomorrow morning?”

Kuki thought they would deal with tomorrow morning tomorrow and stood up.

Rinko was still hesitating, and followed slowly behind Kuki into the room. The waiter set down the key and left.

Kuki immediately pulled Rinko into his arms.

“I’ve missed you so much...”

At the end of last year they had only managed a one-hour secret meeting in a terrible rush. Today, he had to make up for it.

As they kissed, Kuki’s hand found the kimono sash.

Kuki had heard that to get a kimono-clad woman to yield, you had to undo the sash first. He did not know how to untie it, but during the embrace it had already loosened and was hanging long on the floor.

Rinko noticed too. She said, “Wait,” and went into the bedroom to untie it.

At last Kuki could breathe easier. She would not say, “I’m going home” again.

Kuki sat back in relief on the sofa, and Rinko put the kimono away in the closet before going to wash up.

Kuki changed into a yukata himself and checked the time. It was not even nine yet.

Even if Rinko left early tomorrow, there was still plenty of time.

Kuki looked around the room.

This was a suite. The outer room was a sitting room, with a long sofa and table against the wall, a desk by the window, and a mirror set into the wall behind the sofa, splitting the room into two.

In the inner bedroom stood a large double bed facing the window. It was night now, and the sea lay black and still beyond the glass. Tomorrow, the sun would rise from there with the dawn.

They had asked for an ocean-facing room so they could watch the sunrise, which meant they ought to keep Rinko there until daybreak if they could.

Kuki turned off every light, leaving only the dim bedside lamp and the wall lamp in the outer room.

The man waited anxiously for the exciting moment like a nervous boy, having prepared everything he could.

He was still imagining what Rinko would look like when she came out, when he heard a click and the bathroom door opened.

There she was in white kimono-style undergarments, the sash tied neatly, her hair piled high.

"I’ve had too much to drink."

Rinko walked toward him a little unsteadily, and Kuki got up and gently drew her into his arms.

"It’s nothing."

He felt that after a shower, with just a little drunkenness left in her, Rinko looked even more alluring.

Her hair was pinned up high, exposing the slender line of her neck. From her rounded shoulders to her narrow waist and then to her full hips, the curve of her body was exquisite.

The white underthings were as sheer as gauze, and the outline of her body showed through clearly.

"This is our first meeting of the year," Kuki whispered in Rinko’s ear.

"Do you know what that’s called?"

"The first fuck of the year."

Each of them had a family, and yet at the start of the new year they were joining bodies with someone else. There was guilt in it, but also the delicious thrill of betrayal.

After they had gone at each other until they were both spent, Kuki held the woman still trembling in the aftermath and could not help drawing in a sharp breath.

A woman’s body changed in endless ways every time they met. It was impossible to fully understand.

In the beginning, a man could still be moved and astonished by its brilliance, but now they had gone beyond that. A woman’s surging desire made him uneasy. It even made him afraid.

Rinko seemed to feel the same.

"I think we shouldn’t see each other again this year."

"What’s wrong?"

"I’ve been thinking that all along. I just can’t help myself."

Kuki found it almost funny that tonight’s meeting had only been possible because of Rinko’s body.

"I know it’s wrong, that I should end this quickly, but I can’t stop myself from coming back."

Rinko seemed to be speaking to Kuki, and also to another self buried inside her body.

There were many things that bound a man and a woman together. Physical connection could be just as strong as spiritual connection, if not stronger.

If it was only a relationship with a woman, physical attraction alone could be enough. But love required both body and mind; you could not have one without the other.

Rinko was talking about the latter, of course, but Kuki deliberately prodded her.

"You weren’t like this before."

"That’s not what I mean..."

"Back then, with your husband..." Kuki stopped short. Rinko turned toward him and asked, "Do you want to hear about that?"

"I do."

"Really?" Rinko asked again, then said, "We weren’t completely sexless. Once in a while, yes. But it never felt like much. Then you suddenly showed up, and after that I became a different person."

"And later, with your husband..."

"I told you there wasn’t any."

"Then could your husband satisfy you?"

"I don’t know. If I didn’t want it, he couldn’t do anything."

"What is it you dislike about him?"

"Well, the sound of his voice, his skin... I can’t explain it in just a sentence or two."

"No matter how he asked, you still wouldn’t agree?"

"A woman’s body is picky. It’s not like a man’s, where if he says it’s fine, it’s fine."

When it came to sex, women really were more rigid.

"So how does your husband handle that?"

"I don’t know," Rinko said lightly. "It’s all because of you that I became like this."

Kuki fell silent. Once a man and woman draw close, sexual union happens naturally. To put all the blame on the man would be unfair.

"It’s because we fit each other."

Rinko nodded hard. "From around the second time on, I started to feel that something bad was happening."

"Something bad?"

"Yes. It felt like I’d fallen into an unfathomable, unknown world. It was terrifying."

The man did not feel that way.

"A woman’s body changes."

"Who would have thought it could change this much?"

"Isn’t that a good thing?"

"No. The old me knew nothing, but now I’ve become like this."

"Your senses are getting sharper."

"Thanks to you, I can’t go back now."

Rinko said that and took Kuki’s hand.

"You have to take responsibility."

"For what responsibility?"

"I can only be satisfied with you now."

Rinko suddenly pinched Kuki’s hand hard, and he could not help crying out.

"Ouch."

It went without saying that sex was something built by both partners, not something for one side alone to be blamed for. Besides, Kuki himself was just as lost in his passion for Rinko and unable to pull free.

Wasn’t this a joint crime?

Even as he thought that, Kuki did not deny that a man had to bear more responsibility in the end.

That was because a woman’s sexuality was awakened and developed by a man.

In other words, without male intimacy and stimulation, a woman could hardly even know pleasure.

By contrast, a man was born sexual. In boyhood, something between his thighs would begin to stir without warning. It felt good to touch, and before long he would naturally learn to masturbate.

A man could find pleasure without a woman’s help. In fact, compared with clumsy sex with a finicky woman, it could feel even better to enjoy himself alone.

Leaving aside the question of the spirit, pleasure itself did not need a woman to guide or awaken it.

While a man ripened on his own, a woman’s sexuality was opened by a man, taught and gradually brought to maturity.

Thinking of it that way, Rinko’s demand that he take responsibility was not unreasonable.

Kuki rubbed the pinched hand theatrically and said, "That was a dirty ambush. You’re really something."

"Who’s something?" Rinko did not even look at his hand. "Are you enjoying this?"

"No, no. I’m glad you can become like this."

"I don’t feel good at all. I feel like a puppet being manipulated by you."

"Where is this coming from?"

"At this rate, won’t I end up being your slave?"

Rinko suddenly sat up, extended a finger tipped with pale pink nail polish, and jabbed at Kuki’s throat.

"Tell me, what about you? Are you unable to do without me too?"

"Of course."

"Liar."

With that, Rinko grabbed at Kuki’s throat.

"It’s true. I swear you’re the best."

"Don’t try to sweet-talk me."

"I’m not sweet-talking you at all."

Her ten fingers clenched tighter around his throat.

"What are you doing, what are you doing..."

At first Kuki thought she was just fooling around, but then she really did tighten her grip with no regard for anything else. A woman’s strength was not enough to suffocate him, but she was squeezing so hard that Kuki started coughing and gasping.

"Let go..."

"Nope..."

"Don’t do this."

At last Kuki managed to pry her hands loose and fell into another fit of coughing.

"How cruel. You might really strangle me to death."

"That would be better."

Kuki lightly rubbed his throat. It still felt uncomfortable.

"You scared me half to death."

He muttered that while rubbing his neck and swallowing hard.

He had not expected Rinko to get serious. When she had her hands around his throat, Kuki had felt for himself the unease of being dragged toward some faraway world, and he had also tasted a strange sweetness in it.

He was afraid of being strangled, and at the same time a self-destructive part of him thought that maybe he ought to just black out like this. Why would he think such a strange thing? It made no sense.

Rinko whispered, "I hate you."

"You used to say you liked me."

"That’s right. You can only hate someone if you like them first." Rinko’s tone turned serious. "Do you know how miserable I was at the end of last year?"

"At the wake?"

"To do something like that at a time like that..."

"Did your family find out?"

"My mother was suspicious, but nobody would have thought of that. I just felt sorry for my father..."

Kuki had no answer.

"My father loved me so much when he was alive, and yet I did that on the night of his wake. I was finished. For that, I’d accept any punishment. I’d go to hell if I had to..."

Rinko had turned her back to Kuki. Her voice was choked with tears.

"How could I ever have done something like that?"

"It’s all my fault."

"Never mind you for the moment. The point is that I can’t believe I did it..."

"If you regret it that much, your father will forgive you."

At this point, that was all Kuki could say to comfort her.

It was exactly what they meant by being unable to help oneself. In one’s mind, one knows it is wrong and that it has to stop, but the body still falls prey to temptation and throws itself into sensual pleasure.

Some people condemn that behavior harshly, while some women sneer that if one were calmer and more rational, one would never go that far.

There is truth in that, but human behavior is not always something reason can explain.

Rinko was not without reason or calm, but when it came to the real thing, she could not control herself.

She knew perfectly well it was wrong, and yet she still surrendered to the body’s temptation. One possible reason was a lack of self-reflection; another was that sexual pleasure possessed an irresistible power that overrode everything else.

Rinko might be said to belong to the latter kind.

Even if all regret and repentance were thrown aside, she would still burn for the love right in front of her.

At such moments there was no room for reason. It was neither preaching nor intellect, but something deeper in the body awakening and running wild.

For a woman inflamed like that, ethics and custom were meaningless.

For a woman who understood everything yet still willingly fell, there was a garden of pleasure.

Only she knew that dazzling delight unknown to those who worshiped reason.

Thinking that way, she grew proud of herself and felt like one of the rarest women of sensual talent.

Of all the struggles of victory and defeat in this world, the most painful part is not losing, but admitting defeat.

Now Rinko understood what it meant to be unable to help herself. Once she admitted it, she had no more scruples. She rose light as air and flew toward that garden of pleasure in the sky.

Once a person tastes the stimulus of pleasure, it is never enough. One wants more, and then still more.

That was the state the two of them were in now.

On the night of the wake, a woman in mourning accepted a man, and after that unbearably humiliating and shameful union, there was nothing they would not dare do...

Rinko blinked her eyes open. Like a water lily blooming in a pond, she stared straight at Kuki’s throat and murmured, "I’ve got a new feeling."

Kuki once again felt the unfathomable depth of a woman’s body. That soft, warm female body that could receive everything a man had was, in the blink of an eye, transformed into something monstrous and unrecognizable.

"It feels as if something overwhelmingly powerful has tied you and me together. Feeling your existence, I can’t think about anything else..."

"What are you going to do now that your sensitivity has become this sharp?"

"I don’t know." Rinko murmured to herself. "I’d even be willing to die."

At the peak of sexual excitement, some women will cry out, "I want to die."

But in reality, no woman ever truly dies, which shows that this is an intensity of pleasure so strong it can make a person want to die, or perhaps the wish to make death itself the highest form of bliss at the climax of pleasure.

Though Kuki was completely lost in sex with Rinko, he had never experienced the feeling that he would rather die.

Only in that instant, together with a sudden surge of loss, did his whole body seem to shrink inward again and again, all desire and attachment to the world draining away until he felt as if he were about to die.

So the illusion of death at the peak of sexual pleasure was not a matter of gender.

The difference was that women think of death in the middle of endless, boundless pleasure, while men think of death in the emptiness after everything has been released.

Between the two, women’s sexuality was far more varied.

With a faint touch of jealousy, Kuki asked, "When you said just now that you’d be willing to die right there, was that the truth?"

"It was."

Rinko answered at once, without hesitation.

"But you can’t actually die."

"Then choke my throat."

"You want me to strangle you?"

"Yes."

Rinko nodded readily.

"You don’t want to die?"

"Dying would be fine..." Kuki remembered being choked by Rinko just moments ago.

"But if it’s by choking, only one person can die."

"I’d still rather die together."

"Then the only way is for us to choke each other at the same time."

Rinko pressed her face against Kuki’s chest. He kissed her broad forehead, and sleep began to creep over him. He closed his eyes.

That night, Kuki had a dream.

A pair of white hands he could not quite make out closed around his throat and squeezed slowly, forcefully. If it kept going, he would suffocate and die.

He should have torn those hands away immediately, but at the same time he wanted nothing more than to pass out and die.

Since Rinko had had her hands around his throat before he slept, and they had talked about death after that, that must have been why he dreamed it.

But how was he supposed to explain those white hands?

If he thought back to last night, they should have belonged to Rinko. But in the dream, Rinko was sitting in the spacious sitting room, smiling at Kuki, which meant the hands had to be another woman’s.

In any case, in the dream he had seen only the white hands, not the person they belonged to.

What was even more mysterious was how he had broken free. He had not fought back with much force, and yet the hands had been released. Could it have been that Rinko’s hands had accidentally wound around Kuki’s throat?

Kuki suddenly felt afraid and turned his head. Rinko was sleeping soundly.

He kept trying to reconstruct the dream, but could not make sense of the cause and effect. Then he looked at the electronic clock by the bed. It read 6:30.

Suddenly Kuki remembered that Rinko had said she needed to go home early. Should he wake her? Seeing how peacefully she was sleeping, he could not bring himself to do it. He got out of bed alone, put on the white pajamas, and walked to the window.

When he opened the curtain, a faint line of light was already appearing beneath the black sky. Dawn was almost here.

There was still some time before sunrise, so Kuki went back to the bed, patted Rinko on the shoulder, and whispered, "It’s six-thirty."

Rinko did not respond and tried to keep sleeping. Soon she turned her head again, half awake and half asleep, eyes still closed, and asked, "What did you say?"

"It’s already six-thirty."

Only then did Rinko open her eyes and ask, "Really?"

"Didn’t you say yesterday that you’d leave early?"

"Oh, I forgot..."

She checked the clock herself and cried, "Damn it, I forgot to wind it."

After last night’s two bursts of arousal, Rinko had fallen into a dazed sleep, so it was hardly surprising that she forgot.

"It’s still dark outside, isn’t it?" Rinko looked uneasily toward the window.

"It’s starting to get light."

"I should go home."

"Wait." Kuki hurriedly caught her hand as she was about to get up.

"If you go back now, people will suspect something."

"I wanted to go back while it was still dark. If it’s light out, I might run into someone I know."

Going home in a kimono really was too conspicuous.

"But now it’s already too late to go back."

Sunrise was usually around 6:40 or 6:50, so even if she hurried, she would still get home only when it was almost fully light.

"It would be better to go back around ten or eleven."

"That won’t do."

Kuki pressed down on her shoulder from behind and pulled her close.

"Don’t do that..."

"Leaving now or a little later makes no difference."

"But..."

"It’s all right."

Under Kuki’s embrace, Rinko sank back down into the bed once more.

The band of light on the distant horizon was growing brighter now, its center beginning to redden. The sun was about to burst up.

"It’s almost daylight."

"I have to go back..." Rinko kept muttering.

The sky, slowly whitening, was the best possible light for this kind of moment.

Rinko no longer resisted. She even began to cooperate. Every time the man moved, the woman rose and fell once. The light streaming through the window made Rinko’s surging body clearer and clearer.

Burning with desire, Rinko had long since forgotten that the sun was rising and the sky was brightening.

Before long, the sun came up, and when the world outside the window turned red, the two of them finished everything together at the same time as the sunrise.

Facing the rising sun, Kuki had used up every last bit of strength and lay sprawled on the bed like a wooden doll.

Outside, a busy day had already begun, but inside the room there was complete silence. Kuki’s legs and Rinko’s knees were touching, each feeling the other’s warmth and the pulse of blood beneath the skin.

The two of them stayed sunk in that limp, spent state, until Rinko quietly leaned over and said, "Then you should finish this once and for all too, right?"

"So you couldn’t hold back after all?"

Looking at Rinko’s smiling face, Kuki tasted defeat once again.

From last night until this morning, he had struggled to keep himself under control. This time, the woman had counterattacked and beaten him completely.

"That’s good," Rinko said with satisfaction. "Now you don’t feel like moving either, do you?"

It was true. Even if someone told him to get up and go home right now, he was too tired and lazy to move a muscle.

"I’m not leaving either." After saying that, Rinko burrowed into Kuki’s arms like a kitten. Feeling her warm body, Kuki noticed yet another change in her.

Though Rinko did not say it outright, Kuki knew what she was thinking.

She seemed unwilling to let the man keep moving forward while the woman stepped back and watched with calm self-satisfaction.

Rinko was declaring that her sexuality would no longer remain passive; it would become active.

They both drifted back into sleep.

When Kuki opened his eyes again, the window was blazing bright. The clock by the bed said 9:30. When they had fallen asleep, it had been a little after seven, so they had slept for nearly two hours.

What should he do now? Kuki was still blankly staring when Rinko woke too.

"What time is it?"

After Kuki told her, Rinko looked out the window and said, "What are we going to do now?"

She had meant to go back before dawn, but now the sun was so high that going back was even less possible.

"What are you going to do?"

"I’m thinking about it." Kuki suddenly thought of his own house.

Last night he had told his wife he was going to the chairman’s house for New Year’s greetings and would be home late, but he had not said he would be staying out all night.

Kuki knew that after one night with no word of where he was, his wife would not exactly launch an attack, but he was still a little uneasy and did not know how best to explain it when he got back.

"I still have to go back."

Rinko said it to herself as she sat up.

"It was wrong of me to force you to stay."

"That’s right, it was wrong of you." Rinko turned back toward him. "But I’m glad I got to see you..."

"You’re all right on your end, aren’t you?"

"I don’t know. You’re in a bind too, aren’t you?"

Kuki gave an ambiguous nod, and Rinko said in a clear, ringing voice, "It’s not just me; you’re in a bind too, so I’ll let you off this time."

"In a bind too?"

"Yes. You can’t explain yourself at home either, can you? That makes you just like me, so I can live with it."

With that, Rinko got out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

After satiety comes emptiness.

Kuki and Rinko ended the night’s feast together, and the deeper their pleasure ran, the more acute the emptiness that followed. After lovemaking, there was nothing left except the body’s satisfaction and the regret that remained behind.

Why had they done this? They should have stopped while they still could. Kuki reflected on what he had done, while at the same time feeling relieved that Rinko was sharing the burden with him.

On reflection, the two of them had now been driven into the same sea of suffering as accomplices.

The old arrangement, where only one side, woman or man, had all the trouble while the other stood apart and enjoyed the ease of it, was long gone.

A woman’s trouble was a man’s trouble too, and the reverse was just as true.

By then, Rinko had come out of the bathroom and started putting on her kimono. She said to Kuki, "The bath’s ready. Go and wash up."

Just as Kuki was about to head into the bathroom, Rinko tied her sash and said, "I’ve made up my mind. From now on, whatever anyone says, I’m not going to listen."

Kuki asked, puzzled, "You mean your family?"

"My husband."

Rinko answered curtly. "Otherwise I won’t be able to see you. You should forget about things at home too..."

Her determination was so absolute that it left no room for argument.

"From now on, I want only you."

From the end of the year through New Year’s, the man had kept forcing the woman to do one thing after another, and he had been satisfied simply with her obedience. But at some point, the woman had grown stronger, and her firmness had become impossible to ignore.

"Isn’t that all right?"

Kuki nodded in agreement, deeply aware that the new year would be the true beginning of their love.